


Body by Mother Mother

by wistfulstargazer



Category: Vast Error
Genre: Emotionally Repressed, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Transmisogyny, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Female Character, dealing with dysphoria and internalized self hatred...?, ha ha just kidding...unless?, what if i wrote transfem albion...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23558497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wistfulstargazer/pseuds/wistfulstargazer
Summary: "Perfection was a difficult thing to attain, but she was nothing if not exacting in her pursuit."Albion takes a moment to destress.
Relationships: Albion Shukra/Sovara Amalie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Body by Mother Mother

**Author's Note:**

> i read enough transfem albion metas that i couldn't resist I'm sorry

The iridescent colors of the glop enhancer shimmered as Albion Shukra did her best to ignore everything under the slime’s edge.

Perfection was a difficult thing to attain, but she was nothing if not exacting in her pursuit.

When she was young, the Star Child had realized earlier than most that the identity she’d been given on her wriggling day didn’t quite fit. So, she had easily shed it (just as, she reminded herself, she would soon be shedding this identity).

The transition, of course, came with difficulties. Even then, her pursuit of perfection was relentless, and her identity presented some challenges in this regard. If she had been anyone else, she would have spent countless nights angrily cursing her perceived imperfections, her anger bubbling over uncontrollably until she ended up lying on the floor, miserable and exhausted. But, she was Albion Shukra, and as her guardian never failed to remind her, she had to rise above it all (and, anyways, she would be reminded, it was unbecoming of a young woman to externalize anger like that). Admittedly, some of her earlier forays into expressing herself were somewhat misguided and overzealous. Memories of layers upon layers of powdered makeup and hot pink fabric cutting into her shoulders briefly surface, before they (like the brief blip of orange on her ring) are swept away once again.

The ring was actually helpful in this regard, what now felt like sweeps in the past. The flashes of pink that would appear when she was around a certain person were the gentle push that she needed to realize even more about herself. This sapphic awakening came with advantages, realizations that perfection need not be as constraining as it once was.

Even so, her past still weighed on her mind. Even with these new ways to express her womanhood, ways that made it easier to hide all the more unbecoming parts of herself, still she was wrong, she was other. She felt (only in theory, of course) an undeniable revulsion towards herself, to the body she most certainly was not growing more and more eager to shed one day soon.

But, even if she could not be perfect in body, she could be perfect in every other way. Women, her guardian told her after finding out she’d been sharing some of these thoughts, take on the burdens of others while not being a burden themselves.

That was all it took.

Her previously walled off inner life became an impenetrable fortress, never to be shared. She opened herself up to the struggles of everyone around her, becoming talented at solving their problems, ignoring her own inner turmoil. Pointed questions from a couple of those closest to her about how she never seemed to have problems were swept aside- of course she never had problems, being who she was.

Her relationship with her matesprit was a difficult point in all of this. She did love her, but how could she when she was meant to rise above such feelings? The distance between them grew, and Albion did her best to convince herself that it was for the best. Being with her beloved inevitably brought out feelings that she could not afford to have, not if she wanted her personal growth to continue as planned. And, if the distance kept her quadrantmate from noticing her imperfections too closely, then that was just a useful side effect of a larger situation.

Regardless, it would all be beside the point in due time, even if Sova didn’t entirely realize that yet. Albion had only shared the scarcest details of her coming ascension, and with good reason. If she knew too much about the coming process, even with as timid as she was, her matesprit would no doubt try to sway her away from her destiny.

Her destiny, above all else, was something that Albion could not bear to lose.

If she were more honest with herself, she’d know that she needed it as some kind of justification for the suffering she’d gone through, a payoff for the exacting standards she’d had set for her entire life. And, if she were more honest than that, she’d know that the opportunity to give up her identity and all the difficulties and contradictions that came with it was an undeniably appealing one.

But, Albion Shukra was not honest with herself, and simply embraced her destiny for virtue of its existence.

Sometimes, though, she would wish that she could believe the words of those closest to her. A memory surfaces.

Albion had just finished deciphering some of the seadweller’s incomprehensible nonsense for her- memos were always a bit more difficult for her at this stage, and he wasn’t helping. A look of concern had crossed her face, unexpectedly, before decidedly resolving into a compassionate determination.

(ALBION?)  
(i don’t mean to pry)  
(and if you don’t feel comfortable sharing that’s entirely okay! ovo)  
(but…)

Hesitation flashed across her face again, before she pushed on.

(why do you have those bandages on your legs?)

Relief washed over Albion before she could do anything to stop it. Out of everything that could have led up to, that was by far one of the most innocuous ways that could have gone. She rebalanced herself before answering.

*oh*goodness*  
*those*are*nothing*to*be*concerned*about*  
*although*your*concern*is*appreciated*.  
*they*are*simply*covering*old*old*wounds*  
*that*would*look*rather*unbecoming*otherwise*.

She thought her answer was entirely reasonable, but Sova looked confused and saddened. Albion was about to start reassuring her when she spoke. 

(you don’t have to hide that you know) 

She’d looked at Albion with such intensity that she couldn’t help but feel a little bit shaken. 

*i*am*not*trying*to*hide*anything*  
*i*am*destined*  
*as*you*know*  
*to*ascend*as*the*pure*oneself*  
*a*destiny*that*expects*nothing*short*of*perfection*from*me*  
*in*all*aspects*of*life*.  
*slacking*with*regards*to*my*appearance*  
*would*simply*be*doing*myself*  
*and*those*who*came*before*me*  
*a*disservice*.

(but you’re already perfect)  
(no matter who you are or what you look like)  
(at least, i think so)

Albion couldn’t see it but she knew in that moment that her ring was glowing a fierce, mocking yellow. Her whole body had become tense as her matesprit gingerly placed her hand on Albion’s leg.

(again, it’s okay if not, but)  
(would you mind if i see?)

She could barely hear Sova's words, barely register gently refusing, barely remember the hours between then and now. Being in her recooperacoon had helped bring herself back into balance, but that also involved ignoring certain other difficulties. It was a tradeoff.

Sometimes Albion wished she could trust her, and now was one of those times. But, she knew Sova was wrong. Albion was far from perfect, and no amount of caring could change that. One day her matesprit would realize the same, and there would be no going back. So, if she could put off that moment of realization for as long as she could- ideally until after her ascension, even- then it would be for the best. Until then, the Star Child would continue to strive for perfection.

Green tears mixed with scented oils as Albion lowered herself further into the depths.


End file.
